Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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