I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
