I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
