Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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