in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
