New low: just hacked my moms facebook
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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