A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
