apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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