just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
