I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
