We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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