Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
