Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
