i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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