I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
