Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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