Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
40s are totally the cure
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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