lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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