I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
