i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you inspire me to be a worse person
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
