Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
