That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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