He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
