He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
