So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
