I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
