I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
