Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
