i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
