She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
