I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
