Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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