I showed him my bush... on skype.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
