The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
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im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize