i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
