So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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