Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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