In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is Oprah even human
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
