Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sext me about skeletons
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
