she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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