9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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