The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
