a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
