The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
