is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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