Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
