I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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