i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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