You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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