What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
