It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
