I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Randomize
