So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
