i already hear my dad disowning me
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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