I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot