obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
